Oxy = Angst
Our fearless leader keeps it light, despite my best efforts to be Miss GrouchyPants.
This 5k tonight at Oxy High Performance has sent me for a loop the past two weeks. As the days ticked by, I got more and more uptight thinking about it, culminating in Picky Bars staff meeting last Tuesday when I erupted into a burst of negativity that left a trail of stink on the rest of my day.
The closer the race got, the less I wanted to do it. And as I packed my bags on Tuesday night I found myself shaking my head at the fact that I didn’t even own a pair of spikes I liked. Jesse proposed I race in flats. Maybe if I was in superwoman shape I could get away with that, but even with the best equipment on Earth and ideal race conditions, I knew I’d struggle to keep up with the pack.
Then as I flew down to LA with Jude, I figured out the reason behind my angst. Way back when I was thinking logically, I made a plan for 2014 that involved an intentionally slow return to fitness as a way to protect my post-baby body from injury and set me up with a good foundation for the next 2+ years. The plan ALL ALONG was to put myself in race environments that were more fun-focused and tip toe my way back into competitiveness. Choosing crazy fast races was not in the plan because I’m a competitor who, once unleashed, will drive myself into the ground to be world class. After a year of IT band syndrome followed by a year of donating my body to science for a baby, a gradual approach was CRUCIAL to a long term plan of health and enjoyment of my sport, not to mention reaching my ultimate potential. So how the hell did I end up entered in the Oxy High Performance Meet that is likely to be won in 15:00?!?!
Because I Can’t Have Just One Drink
I ran a lot of my first 5k alone, and wasn’t in a hurry to experience that again. And yet…
In March I entered a 5k in Australia, partly because it happened to be one week after a friend’s wedding I wanted an excuse to attend. A race on the other side of the world had anonymity and seemed a great opportunity to get my new race kit dirty. I fell apart the last mile and ran a 15:53, almost a minute slower than my PR, but 2 seconds faster than the qualifying time to get into Oxy. I got excited. Carried away. Just think of how much I can improve in two months! I entered the Oxy race, booked a ticket, and arranged all the details.
Eight weeks have gone by of hard training. Not the kind of training required to run a 15:00 5k, but the kind of training that builds a foundation for years to come. The kind of training that fit my original plan of staying healthy and being balanced: fartleks, grass intervals, tempo runs, skipping afternoon runs to hang out with Jude sometimes, and focusing more energy on work and supporting my Little Wing teammates. When I zoom out on my life, I know I’m doing things the way I want to, but then that Oxy race pops into my brain and I’m like WTF was I thinking?!
These are the spikes and socks I picked out from Snail’s Pace Running Store in Fountain Valley yesterday.
A lot of Flyer fans are coming to watch. My parents are fighting traffic for the occasion. My dad is staying up way past his bedtime. Several twitter friends I’ve never met in real life are coming to their first ever track meet to see me compete. My flock surrounds me with love, but with it I feel expectation to be spectacular.
My grandma used to tell us kids that she would often wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think “Oh God! Who is that old lady looking back at me!” She said inside she felt like she was 21 forever. That’s what I feel like as a competitor. Inside I feel like the woman who won London with a ferocious kick to the sound of fireworks exploding in the stadium. And then I look in the mirror and remember that I haven’t done the work yet, and my heart sinks.
But yesterday I realized, or rather remembered something that made me feel a little better. I don’t have to win for this to be a success (which is good because I won’t win unless lightening strikes everyone but me, and the forecast is clear.) I just need to set my own definition of success and run my own race, and decide right now that I will be happy with that. You think by now the “C for Courage” attitude would be second nature, but it’s not. Defining your own success is a practice with no end.
So What’s the Plan?
My biggest fan will be there, so I can’t go wrong.
So for all the people who have my back, I’m going to give you the inside scoop so you have context for my race. Here’s the link to the meet website. There are two rabbits in the race. One is running 72.5’s for 3k (Kim Conley). That is 15:05 pace…way way way faster than I can run right now. Attempting it would be extraordinarily stupid and I’d get nothing of value out of the race. The second rabbit is running 75’s (15:37 pace) for 2k. That is 14 seconds faster than I ran in Sydney in March, and would be an extraordinary day for me.
The conditions will be hot, even at 10:20 at night, and the field is relatively small (12) so it could string out and turn into a solitary pursuit. For those watching online, you probably won’t see me on camera much. For those coming in person, the more interesting race will be in front of me. But I’ll be there, running 12.5 laps in the direction of my dreams. And goddammit if I’m going to let the fishbowl make me feel bad about it.
Flyer Fan Clubbers in Attendance: find Jude in the stands and show him your card and you’ll get a prize :). He’ll be with Christine Babcock’s family and my family.
Good luck at Oxy! How haven’t you been signed to the Hoka team yet? You’d be a perfect addition to their growing list of track athletes!
Go Lauren! On your side no matter what – you’ll always be an inspiration. Do what YOU need to do tonight, not what anyone else needs to do. 🙂
Props for keeping it all in perspective…even though its a bitch to do so! On a much MUCH smaller, local level I am a mini-you: wanting to be balls to the wall, especially after the birth of my 2nd child just to shut people up about, “you’re fast now, wait till you have a couple of kids.” Yes, even I, Justina-M-No-Namer, needs to read a post like this from a runner who shares my competitors heart. Hug that baby for me and CHEERS no matter the outcome!
Don’t normally click through to the links that people tweet but I thought i would give this a try and I really liked your post. Good luck with the race!
Great to see you’ve ruined in on the long-term benefits. Looking forward to cheering you on later today!
I meant “zoned” not “ruined”. darn autocorrect!
Rock it Lauren, you set out to do what you need to do! No pressure from all your fans we will still love you as we watch no matter what happens!
Go Flesh!!!
I wouldn’t know personally, but even as a “never was”, I think you’re racing-not-to-win is so much harder than it would have been to train and win it all. You have shown the courage to be great in everything at the same time.
Have a great race tonight! Your cheerleaders will always be cheering – thanks for always keeping it real. xoxo
All those people are flocking to the race not because they have spectacular time expectations of you but because you are spectacular in ways that have nothing to do with time. Thanks for giving us glimpses into your world. We’re interested in your race in the same way we’re interested in our sister’s race — because we know your back story and that makes the whole thing more meaningful.
CCCCCCCCCCCCC!
Lauren, like you said, this race isn’t about winning tonight…it’s just getting out there and moving forward. Yes, it’s going to be hot…not the best of conditions…but I’ll bet when you’re done, you’re going to be happier that you ran at Oxy than staying home in Bend and wondering what could have been. And for the lucky ones that are there cheering you…lucky them. The rest of us get to share in your indomitable spirit and that’s good enough for me.
It’s so hard not to compare your current self to your best self. Thanks for sharing in such an honest, candid why. This is why your flyer fans think you rock!
This fangirl will be live-streaming the race tonight while wearing her homeboy t-shirt and eating a picky bar.
This post describes me as an athlete to a T (albeit a much slower one) – one “drink” is never enough, and despite wanting to “fun run” once that gun goes off, it’s all competition… regardless of the shape I’m in. Sometimes it’s hard to look at the big picture when you’re second guessing yourself, but these are the types of races that help make you a champion – practicing all the race day motions – so when it’s time for the big dance, you’re ready. You are a fierce competitor with what (I think) is the most important key to success… heart. I have no doubt that this race will be just what you need to remind you that you are on your road to success!
Jude’s not your biggest fan, I am! Good luck wif!
I love your perspective, Lauren. And as a card holding #Fleshmanflyer, I support you 100% no matter what. Go out there and give it your all. We are proud of you.
Lauren, run well tonight. I appreciate your thoughts and candor. Good luck!!
Lauren, you inspire me with your honesty, dedication and guts. Go get ’em, and have fun.
Yes yes! Love your spirit Lauren. Your courage. Your vulnerability and honesty. You inspire. Thank you.
I love everything about what you wrote here. Especially the way you describe your initial plan for yourself to come back post-baby. I was so eager to return to running and gain fitness after having my son, but I ended up injured because I did too much too soon. There is so much wisdom in going slow, gaining strength and letting yourself come into it on your terms. Go get ’em at the race. Run your race. Make it fun. Either way it’s a great way to gain fitness and learn something:)
Run YOUR race tonight and celebrate where you are – so much goodness going on, you continue to inspire us all!
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Wonderful story. Wishing you the best of luck! Kick some Lycra!
I know you didn’t end up racing because your achilles was feeling weird on warm up. After reading your blog I understand you felt in-over-your-head a little. That’s not an easy thing to admit to yourself or others, and also pretty tough to actually make the decision to get out. But it’s always the right decision when you have other long term goals hanging in the balance. Good for you and best of luck on future races!
Smart call last night…many more races to follow.
I don’t know. I’m a little bummed. I get that the training wasn’t there and you wouldn’t have finished in the top fast times but there is a lot of self doubt and negativity to this post. You kind of took yourself out of the race before you even got on the plane. What’s wrong with just going out and getting comfortable with being in a race again, even if its from the back of the pack? Won’t that further fuel the desire?
The race was won in 15:20, your time from the Aussie meet was 15:53, that’s only 33 seconds back. Your post baby body allows you to run a 15:53 and even if you think that’s a poor effort on your part, it’s pretty stinkin’ solid. I think that’s really incredible.
Now I’m no elite runner, so I don’t understand about come backs or pressure in that realm. Im under the impression that there is little room for imperfection in the track world. It seems you’ve always got to be at the top of your game and when you come back you have to blast off the line and win to prove to everyone you’re back. What the heck is wrong with gradually gaining some steam as you go, letting people see your imperfection at that point in time, and doing things on your own terms?
I believe deep down, Lauren, that you are an incredible competitor and athlete. And I know from your decision to join Oiselle that you march to the beat of your own drum and seem to enjoy redefining what the norm should be. So don’t beat yourself up for trying this race out. Maybe you felt like you got in over your head but so what? I’m a fan because I am proud of the effort at all times especially through the struggle. Don’t doubt chica, it’s all still in there and will re-emerge beautifully.
It takes courage and wisdom to do what you did last night. I applaud you for listening to your body and allowing it to recover and rest. We as runners don’t do it enough.
<3
You don’t need to win the race to be a success. Just set your own goal, give it all you have, and preferably achieve it:)
I LOVE these words. Such important perspective for all of us to have, no matter the pace or speed: “I don’t have to win for this to be a success. I just need to set my own definition of success and run my own race, and decide right now that I will be happy with that … Defining your own success is a practice with no end.”
Good luck Lauren!
I can totally relate to your comment about looking in the mirror and seeing someone different. I’m 41 and when I’m healthy enough to race a 5K I do it in about 26:00. I still feel that I’m the 20 year old who can run a 5K in 16:00.
It took me many years to accept that I’m not the 20 year old me anymore, and I’ve stopped comparing myself to him. Now I just compare myself to my last race and try to improve upon that.
I know I am way behind the 8 ball catching up on reading your blog as this post was from may. Since you always keep it real I know you’ll empathize with my crazy life as a mom, full time PE teacher, wife, and runner!! Regardless, THANK YOU for this post! At times I am my own worst enemy when it comes to “expecatations”. I have run some crappy races based soley on “the expectation” that I believed others had for me. IF I could have run for myself I would have likely done much better, even with a less than desirable amount of training. I can beat myself up about these races in the moment but when I am at my best, I get out on the road alone and remember that I am truly running on empty at times..no pun intended! Waking up at 4:00 am to start my day, get the famly ready, get to work, teach all day, take my kids to their activities and get a run in….my body is often spent! In my mind I know all the great things about me that make me a great “average population” runner 🙂 I am focused, goal oriented, persistent, stubborn, determined..quite frankly I just don’t know how to quit and ultimately I’m so competetive that there is always a better time to achieve and more people to set my sights on passing 🙂 I guess I jsut really love knowing how much you are willing to verbalize how vulnerable even the elites are to the same things! The thing I love most about running is that I am humbled every time I get to the starting line! My best marathon is a 3:30 nothing spectacular to the rest of the world but to this 39 year old mom! It’s another PR to break and something I’m very proud of! Thanks for yoru blogs..Put a plug in for me with Oiselle, Kristin Metcalk will know who I am if you tell her about the “supermom” that posted a REALLY long post..my emails to her were as well!