I am so f-ing tired of dealing with adversity in this sucky sport.  My hip has been flaring up again and if it doesn’t calm down I’m going to smash a window or something.  I’m literally so frustrated at this exact moment, I can imagine doing that.  Thank god for inhibition.

I took yesterday off to help it calm down, and changed today’s morning run for a swim to lessen the load, and its the same stupid pattern.  Tight right low/mid back.  Tight thigh near hip flexor and medial/lateral quad.  Pain in extension.  Feels like my leg rotates out when it swings behind me.

The hardest part is that I don’t know what to do.  There is so much pressure to do everything I can to get better, (self imposed as well as the nature of the job,) but I don’t feel I have the right resources for this thing.  I don’t know what “right” even is.  I feel like I have limited time here to figure it out.

And the worst thing is, getting stressed and upset makes everything worse.  Literally.

So I’m meant to be calm about an unknown recurring injury that has no protocol for getting better, and no clues as to its causes.  Yeah, that makes sense.

Jesse reminded me that the worst scenario, (it doesn’t resolve and I never race again) isn’t that bad.  And he’s right.  I’d be free to choose a new focus for the first time in 15 years.  Teach.  Write.  Be a mom. Get a PhD.  Get my Picky Bar company on a roll.  But all those thoughts just make me cry even more.

Yeah, those things would be and will be great.  But my heart is in running right now.  I want that.  And just watching those words appear on the screen as I type them makes the tears flow harder.  I just want to catch a break.  Maybe there are no breaks.