Crying BabyWell, I was able to run again this morning. 15 whole minutes without stopping. There were twinges off and on, but nothing very alarming. When I finished, I hopped on the bike for 45 minutes super easy to fill out the session.
As I was biking, I couldn’t motivate to get my heart rate much over 110. I figured that was fine since I did a pretty tough session yesterday, but the lack of motivation felt more emotional than physical. Steph was biking as well, so I toughed it out, but it was one of those days when I wouldn’t have finished the bike ride had I been alone.
During the ride, I kept getting this feeling of just being…I don’t know, tired I guess. Sounds dumb when I write it! But more like, tired of everything. Rather than being grateful that I was able to run 2 miles, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the twinges, and how uncomfortable the stretching felt between the run and the bike. I kept talking myself back into a positive space. Drifting back to negativity. Talking myself back to contentment. It was so draining.
Well, I got off the bike and stretched and rolled and cleaned up. Then it was time to pack up all our crap from Jesse’s mom’s house and drive home to Eugene. Packing and sorting and washing sheets, I was lost in my own head, quiet to everyone around me. All I wanted to do was lay down in my own room in Eugene and not talk to anyone for a while. I was clearly having trouble keeping it together.
Then Jesse’s mom came home and asked me if I was ok or mad at someone and I just broke down into a blubbering mess. Then Steph walked in accidentally, and then poor Ben walked into the trap, and all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there and go home. But once the tears broke from all that pent up frustration, even as I continued to load up the car, every visual object was at risk of setting me off again. Poles, trees, the dog. I apparently hadn’t let the cry out long enough before moving on.
I can’t even really explain what the deal was, but I’ll just leave it as being frustrated and let down. Part of my New Year’s resolution was to stay in the moment and be positive, and already on day three, I was having such a hard time with it. I think I was mad at myself for that more than anything.
Man, I really hope I can start writing about some more interesting experiences soon. After writing my blog last night, I had a cry as well. Its just starting to feel like the same old storyline and if I’m bored writing it, you have surely got to be bored as hell reading it.
After all the positive things this sport has given me, I have to believe this storyline will turn around soon. Things ebb and flow, and its only a matter of time if I stick with it and keep trying.